I need therapy
by BattleRek
Summary: Don't you hate it when your siblings mess with your love life? Lelouch sure does! Chapter 3 is up, by the way....
1. Pizza

Disclaimer: Code geass and Yugioh, and all their characters are the property of Sunrise and of Kazuki Takahashi, respectively.

**CHAPTER 1: PIZZA **

CC woke up earlier than usual today. Rising up from her bed, she seemed more anxious than usual. She had been given a note last night that someone was giving her a large amount of pizza today, at precisely 10:00. To her, it didn't seem unusual at all, as long as there was pizza. The emerald haired girl always liked pizza for as far as she can remember. In fact, her first memory was that of her chewing a slice of mozzarella pizza. Donning her usual argent clothing, she went down her home's stairs, passed by her refrigerator for a slice of last night's olive pizza, and walked calmly to her car. Then she remembered that she didn't have a car, so she did what she usually does in such situations; mooch off her neighbors.

"Lelouch! I need your car!" She looked at the watch at her right wrist. "Its 9:32 and I want to be on time to eat my free pizza!" She yelled to the house next door. "Get your own ride, you witch!" Her neighbor, a raven-haired man about her age replied with spite. Lelouch had always hated having to do what CC told her to, but often he did, partly because they had a past together, and partly because she had an album full of pictures that showed Lelouch making out with women. This wouldn't bother Lelouch if he wasn't dating 4 of them at the same time. Using her trusty "Affair Card", CC acquired a ride, even convincing Lelouch to drive after telling him that his current girlfriend will break his neck once she sees "photo 32." Lelouch stopped his car in front of a large office building. "Is this the place?" Lelouch asked. Replying with an affirmative nod, He dropped CC off the building and drove away. Looking at the floor and office number at her note, CC hurried off, eager to gorge possibly her weight in pizza. Reaching a pair of metal doors, CC imagined the amount of pizza that may be behind the doors. Impatiently she pushed the two doors open, but was surprised to see not pile upon pile of free pizza, but a gathering of many of her friends, along with a gray-haired man sitting on a foldable chair in the middle of the group. "Okay, I'm out of here." CC turned around and tried to leave, but Lelouch pushed her back in, and locked the doors. "Lelouch! What's the meaning of this!" She spoke furiously. Then she realized what the entire thing was. "Ms...". The gray-haired man at the center looked at a chart in disbelief. "CC? That's a weird name. Any who, your friends have staged an intervention." CC was furious. She desperately looked for a way out the room, but found only windows that led to a painful drop into a dog pound, which for some reason, housed rabid coyotes and a disgruntled Pomeranian named Puddingtops. "Lelouch, let me out of here, or they ALL see the entire album!" Instead of cringing, Lelouch smugly showed her a black photo album, and then burned it in front of everyone. Realizing she had no way out, CC decided to go through the ordeal. "Very, well shall we start?" the gray haired man made CC sit down on a swivel chair, convinced it will ease her tension. "Let's begin shall we?" The gray haired man sat down. "My name is Eldritch Samuels. I'll be facilitating your intervention for this day." CC clenched her hands on her chair. Everyone in the room was looking at her, some familiar, others not as much.

"What the hell is he doing here?" CC pointed to a nondescript man at the back of the room. Everyone looked to the direction CC was pointing. "Tamaki! This is a private intervention! Get out!" A tall, intimidating man yelled. Tamaki was a relatively minor person in not only CC's, but everyone else's lives. He usually serves as utility for the group, and such has little or no importance to everyone. "But Mr. Todou..." Tamaki tried to reason to Todou, but to no avail. "Tamaki, I'm giving you 3 minutes to get out. If you don't, I'll personally break your neck." But Tamaki was unfazed with Todou's threats. "I'm an important part of this group and you all know it! Who went to the sewers to get sewer gator pictures for Lakshata's scrap album? Me! Who carried all of the supplies AND Deithard's rock collection during our trip to Mount Fuji? Me! Who pushed Ougi out of the way when during that buffalo stampeded during our trip Africa? Me! Who..." Tamaki's excruciating rants were cut short by Kallen throwing him out of the window. "But I don't have a rock collection..." Deithard thought to himself. "Can we start now? I want to eat pizza now!" CC complained. It was bad enough that was tricked into coming to an intervention, but if there was no pizza... "That's exactly why we're here, Ms. CC." Eldritch began. It didn't take long for CC to realize the purpose of the intervention. "Ms. CC, you have an addiction to pizza." Eldritch's words hit CC hard. No one, not even Lelouch, had the guts to say those 6 words to her. Furious, she grabbed Eldritch by his collar and shook him. "Say. That. Again. I dare you." Her voice was filled with malice. If it were any other thing, she wouldn't mind, but this is pizza. This is personal. Asking for help, Todou and Kallen restrained her before she breaks his neck. "Okay." The now-nervous psychiatrist fixed his plaid shirt and continued with the intervention. "Let's try this again, this time, with no chocking." Eldritch took a breath of air. "Your friends... and Tamaki are worried that you may be having a dependency to pizza." CC scoffed at the very idea. "I'm not addicted to pizza." She retorted. "If I was, I would've gone berserk when I realized there was no pizza here when you said there will be pizza." Her voice steadily shifted from calm to crazy as she said her last statement. Aside from that, her hands were shaking; her facial expression was becoming more demented, and Kallen and Todou, who where restraining her all this time, were losing their control over the increasingly irate CC. "Give me pizza!!" She roared, throwing both Kallen and Todou off her in won fell swoop. "She's losing control." Eldritch carefully went closer to CC. reaching for his pocket, he pulled out a small vial, and opened it. The vial housed a strange aroma that seemed to calm her down. "Au de Pizza."Eldritch closed the vial after CC returned to her usual composed state. "Let's start with your friends stating how they feel about the situation." CC, becalmed by the pizza scent, made a request to Eldritch. "I get to pick who goes then." Such a request surprised Eldritch. "Well this is unorthodox. I really think we should..." CC walked closer to Eldritch. Fearing another attack, he slowly backed away. Despite being calmer, CC was still sore with the surprise. "My intervention. My rules. Understand?" CC's eyes were fixed on the trembling psychiatrist, who merely nodded. "Calm down Eldritch, Calm down... they're paying you 1000 an hour; just remember that..." he thought. "You." CC pointed to Suzaku. "Tell everyone I'm not obsessed with pizza." Suzaku carefully stood up. "Am I addicted to pizza?" CC's voice was inquisitorial. "Well, I don't really know..." Suzaku's thought's drifted to the last time he was with CC.

_Suzaku had just returned to his room. It was hard living in a fortress, but that's what happens when you're in the military. "Suzaku!" A pink haired woman greeted him inside. "Euphie! What're you doing here?" he asked. "I realized you had a hard day today, so I cooked you a nice dinner! But then it caught fire, so I ordered pizza." Suzaku sighed for relief. Euphie's cooking often resulted in him spending 3 hours in the bathroom in the middle of the night. The 2 waited for hours, but no one came. They called the pizzeria several times, but no one was answering. "I'll go get the pizza for myself Euphie."Suzaku went out of the barracks and jogged to the local pizzeria several kilometers away. When he arrived, he saw the place in ruins. "What happened here." he thought. With the pizzeria destroyed, he had to settle for Chinese take-out. As he walked back to the base, he saw a badly injured man on the road. He rushed to his aid, but instead he pointed to a green haired woman nearby. She was carrying several boxes of pizza, and didn't seem to care that some of them had blood splatters. "I'm still hungry." Suzaku cringed. CC stared at Suzaku, her eyes empty and zombie-like. There were bits of tomato sauce on her face. Suzaku prays it was tomato sauce. "Speak of this to no one, or I'll be the one to out you." _

"No, no she's not." Suzaku's voice was filled with fear. For now, his secret is safe.

"Well, okay then." Eldtritch thought is suspicious that Suzaku would deny CC's addiction, given he was the one who thought of the entire intervention. "Who's next?" CC considered who'll be next. After a few minutes of deliberation, she chose Kallen.

"O.K., Ms. Kozuki, please tell us of what you think of CC's addiction." Eldritch asked. Lelouch found it strange that C.C. would choose Kallen. She and the crimson haired woman were never on good terms. Kallen smirked. She relished the chance to tell every vice C.C. has, not only her addiction to pizza. "Finally. A chance to tell everyone everything, the pizza addiction, the multiple arsons, that insurance fraud thing that got Mao in prison..." Before she could start, C.C. whispered something to her ear. "Remember last week, Kallen?"A trickle of sweat fell down Kallen's face as she remembered the events that transpired last week. "Oooh, another flashback..." Eldritch thought

_Kallen Kozuki sat atop a beautiful hill, along with Lelouch Lamperouge. She and Lelouch were having a date, and this time she made sure Lelouch wasn't with any other girl. Realizing that it would be mathematically imposible to separate Lelouch from his usual horde of random fangirls, she did the next best thing; eliminate all who aproached. It was pretty easy for her to do that, as out of every girl who's ever adored Lelouch, Kallen was the only one who knew how to kill 25 people in 5 minutes without any weapons. Still, she couldn't attack them while she was with Lelouch, so she called in a favor from a "friend". "It's a beautiful day, isn't it, Lelouch?" She asked the raven-haired man, placing her head on his chest. "It is." He agreed. "I just find it strange that you're the only girl besides Nunally that I've seen all day."Kallen giggled nervously. "Oh, don't be silly, Lelouch!" The lush hill in which she and lelouch were atop of was not as it seems. The entire place was rigged with hidden gun turrets and trap doors, and within the hill was a prison that housed 3 dozen women, and Suzaku. "Let me out! I'm not one of them!" Suzaku roared. The others inside the hill, however, were not amused. "We've all seen your web blog, Suzaku!" Millay haraunged. "g4yw4d h4z b357 l3l0uch p1cturz, d0w." Anya commented while typing on her celphone. Outside the cage they were held, C.C sat down on a stool, with piles of pizza boxes behind her. Opening 1 of the boxes, she looked to see that she had no pizza left. "Hmmmm... Kallen said She'd give pay for more pizza if i caught more of Lelouch's fangirls..." On cue, 3 women were passing by the hill. One of them looked up and noticed Lelouch. C.C. grinned. She picked up her celphone and called the pizzeria. "Hello, I'll have 2 boxes of mozzarella overkill and one box of paella surprise. Yes. The same place. And could you hurry? Their date's almost over." C.C. closed her celphone and returned to the task at hand. "That's it, come closer to the trap..." The green witch pressed several buttons and watched the pitfall in action._

"That prison wasn't intended to house 2304 people..." Kallen thought. " C.C. is a law abiding citizen that has a moderate but not clearly addictive love for pizza, and has never masterminded an insurance scam and blamed in on a chinese albino who thinks he can read minds."Kallen said with a tense and fabricated tone. Eldritch was befuddled. A few days ago they were all complaining on how C.C.'s obsession with pizza was distrupting their lives. As for C.C., she merely smirked as Kallen said everything she whispered to her, word for word. The last part about the insurance scam was overkill though. Eldritch only hoped they wouldn't want their money back.

One by one, everyone in the room attempted to expose C.C. for the ravenous, pizza obsessed monster that she was, only to be halted by a secret only C.C. knew. Whether it was Todou's odor problem, Rolo's pictures of Nunally in her underwear, Viletta's brief stint as a stripper, or Gino's "Superhappy Aardvark time", everyone denied C.C. ever having laid hands on pizza.

Lelouch clearly saw through C.C.'s ploy. He knew that if they didn't made C.C. admit her addiction, they wouldn't be able to send her to rehab, and they would have to spend half their income for pizza for the rest of their days. Still, they could just stop buying pizza, but then C.C. would simply get their bank accounts. She had ways of doing that. "Mr. Lamperouge, care to share to the group on Ms. C.C.'s addiction?" Eldritch asked. Lelouch spent a few minutes thinking of what to do. Finally, he spoke. C.C. wait patiently for what Lelouch would say. She knew that he would surely affirm that her addiction to pizza, so she needed to hear what he would say in order to prepare for her counterattack.

"You're right. C.C. has no addiction." Everyone in the room, save for Eldritch, was surprised. "Mr. Samuels, would it be alright if you send 5 boxes of pizza to the room?" Eldritch was worried. "You're paying, right?" He asked. Lelouch replied by showing his checkbook. "Yes.. I'd like 5 boxes delivered... Yes, all of the toppings... alright, 30 minutes." After half an hour, The delivery man carried 5 boxes of pizza. "Pizza..." C.C. said, enthralled by the scent of 12 cheeses. C.C. stretched her hand, and in zombie-like fashion tried to obtain a slice. Her desire for pizza, however, could not be fulfilled due to a raven-haired man blocking her way. "Move." But Lelouch would not. "If you're not obsessed with pizza, then it would be alright if you didn't have any." Several people in the room were catching on to Lelouch's plan.

"That's right." Kallen lifted a slice out of the box. It was covered in all manner of toppings, from pepperoni to more bizzare ones like mutton or coconut. Kallen took a bite off the slice, making C.C. recoil. Soon enough everyone in the room except C.C. were eating a slice of the italian delicacy. "Hey, Tamaki, have one!" Todou threw a slice of pizza out of the window and onto Tamaki's head. "What was that for!" Tamaki took the slice off his head, bits of tomato sauce and meat still in his hair. "Hey, Pizza!" But before he could consume the slice, the dogs within the pound atacked him. Mr. Puddingtops managed to eat a large amount that was still on his head.

Tamaki recieving pizza was the last straw. "MINE!!" C.C. went berserk. She always thought of herself as being on top of the pedestal, immune to such base emotions. Too bad she wanted pizza more than her place at the pedestal. Her golden eyes went blood red. "Must...feed..." In a flash, she siezed all slices of pizza within reach, even using her mouth at times. Lelouch smirked.There was no way the Green witch could get out of this.

Eldritch, however, was not as amused as Lelouch. Being experienced with cases like this, albeit with more orthodox addictions like drugs or bishounen. He knows that Lelouch had released a pandora's box. "Mr. Lamperouge... we should stop your friend immediately. Feeding her addiction will only..." Lelouch wasn't listening. C.C. snapping was a 1 in a million opportunity, like winning the lottery or a popular anime with no homosexual pairings. He wanted to remember this moment for all time, so he was busy recording everything with a camcorder.

"Um.. Lelouch.." Kallen, her hand swelling from a bitemark, walked up to him, still busy recording C.C.'s tirade. "Yeah, what?" He said, not really listening.

"I think we should stop C.C. now." Lelouch still wasn't listening. "Lelouch, please... C.C.'s starting to bite people..." Lelouch's ears were deaf to Kallen's pleas. C.C.'s rampage still continued. In an attempt to quell her, Todoh attacked her, but C.C. easily dodged his attacks. He was instantly knocked out after a windmill kick to the face.

"Hey, Lelouch..." This time it was Suzaku who went to Lelouch. "We should stop C.C. now... Look what she wrote on my face..." Lelouch was too busy recording C.C. to notice what was on his face. Kallen, however had the time to look a tthe writing. "H-O-M-O. Homo." Kallen didn't see the big deal. "Well, at least she spelled it right.."

"And what is that supposed to mean!" Suzaku asked angrily.

"Never mind. Let's just stop her." Kallen and Suzaku began their assault on C.C. Suzaku started off with a low kick, but C.C. simply jumped out of the way, and countered by throwing sharp pencils at his eyes. Kallen tried going for a sneak attack, but was repulsed with a chair to the head. "This isn't working..." Kallen said, trying to get up after being hit with a chair. "Aren't you going to stop her? She's trashing the place!" She asked Eldritch. "I was, but then I realized my insurance covered berserking patients."

Eventually Lelouch also had enough, mostly because he's out of film. "Okay, that's enough." Lelouch pulled out a small gun and aimed it at her. "Suzaku, Kallen, restrain her." Remembering their wounds from their previous attack, they were both reluctant to strike C.C. "Fine. I'll have Rolo restrain her."

"Rolo was thrown out of the window." Suzaku pointed at the same window Tamaki fell off.

"Todoh?"

"Bludgeoned with a metal club."

"There's only one person now who can stop C.C..." Lelouch revealed his celphone and began to call the only person who could take down a berserking C.C. "Hi." Said a robotic voice. "You have reached V.V.'s home. I am currently at Clovis' having my mullet cut. Please leave a message after the beep."

"Lelouch, what do we do now?" Kallen asked. By now the entire place was in ruins. The only people left standing were Lelouch, Suzaku, and Kallen. Everyone else either ran off like a bunch of cowards, or joined Tamaki and Mr. Puddingtops. "Now." C.C. turned to Lelouch. "I. Want. Pizza." C.C. slowly made her way to them. "Quick Kallen! Shield me with your forehead!" Lelouch went behind Kallen, using her as a shield. "This is the end, guys." Suzaku said. "Any last words?"

"Yes. Lelouch, I wish I had your hair. Suzaku, EVERYONE knows about it. Euphie's just oblivious."

"Okay, my turn." C.C. went closer and closer, like a cat toying with her pray. "Suzaku, if we ever get through this, stop wearing overcoats. Your'e not Seto Kaiba. Kallen, don't be jealous. I wish I had your hair. Also, I was always afraid you'd kill me if I didn't go out with you."

"I love you guys!" Suzaku hugged both Kallen and Lelouch.

As C.C. went closer and closer, Their lives seemed to flash before their eyes. "I never wore that dress before..." Suzaku muttered.

"Hehehe... Bunny suit..." Lelouch drooled.

"Hehehe... Lelouch..." Kallen drooled.

But C.C.'s attack never came. As she was about to pounce, C.C. was shot with a dart gun. "Okay. I draw the line with trying to kill the guy paying." Eldritch reloaded his dartgun. C.C. was on the floor, sleeping like a baby. "The guys from rehab will be here at any moment. You'll receive my bill tomorrow." Eldritch left the decimated room. Seeing that C.C. was incapacitated, the trio felt it safe to stop cowering in a single spot.

"So... Anyone up for trashing C.C.'s place? That was the whole point of this intervention." Lelouch asked.

"Wouldn't C.C. beat us up if we do?" Kallen said, afraid of the green witch's wrath.

"Nah." Lelouch assured. "We'll blame it on Tamaki."

"That works." Lelouch, Kallen and Suzaku left. Eldritch returned inside the room upon Lelouch's exit. "They're all gone." C.C. immediately got up, as if she was never hit a dart. "Are the paintbombs ready?" She asked Eldritch. "Everything is ready, as per your instructions."

C.C. sneered. "Excellent. This'll teach them to mess with me."

"You still have to go to rehab, though." Eldritch told her.

"I've visited Mao before. No wonder he keeps getting crazy, the place is like a spa."

"And my fee?"

'It's been sent to your account."

"Yay. Always a pleasure working with you." Eldritch went outside and got a box of pizza. Both of them took a slice out of it.

"To pizza."

"To money." The two toasted their pizzas like champagne. Taking a bite, they began to laugh maniacally.

Meanwhile, Lelouch, Kallen and Suzaku where trashing C.C.'s home, breaking vases, eating her pizza, flooding her bathroom, eating her pizza... However, for some reason Suzaku stopped."Hey, you hear that?"

Elswhere, several ticking bombs in different areas detonated in unison. One of those places was her own home.

"C.C..." Lelouch muttered, trying to wipe the paint off him.

--

Author's notes

My first fanfic. I was thinking of making one for a long time, but a majority of fics i see are too depressing. Plus, no other anime before code geass has as much crazy folks with various problems, but evangelion and gundam SEED did come close.

-Please comment appropriately. NO swearing and flames.

-If you have sugestions on who should go to therapy, just post them on comments or whatever.

-If you liked, 1337 Anya, then you'll be seeing more of her later.

-in case you're wondering this is an au, but aspects of the original story will appear, albeit normalized

-Last thing; seriously, Suzaku should stop wearing the overcoat. Few anime characters can pull it off, and i think one of them is Seto Kaiba.


	2. I hate my boss

Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass

**CHAPTER 2: I HATE MY BOSS**

Box upon box of items were stacked on one side in Eldritch Samuels' new clinic. It was smaller than his last one, which was able to house up to 12 compulsive eaters at a time. But this one, with its coziness and 350 a week rent, made it home for the miserly psychiatrist. "Okey-Dokey." He dropped a grey box on top his cofee table. In it were his various degrees, some from legitimate colleges, others from the local photocopier. He picked up one of his degrees and looked at it with admiration. "Wait a minute... My name's not Manfred Bodelhaiden." Into the shredder it went.

Aside from the boxes, the clinic seemed ready to take on whatever crazy they throw at Eldritch. If only they'd arrive on time."Hmmm... My 2:00 seems late..." He look at the clock atop one of his bookcases. Then his door opened, and what seemed to be a walking pile of paperwogrey rk went inside. "Sorry I'm late." The voice was feminine. Eldtritch half-thought of helping her, but was too lazy to get of his chair. Instead, he simply directed her to put it by the coffee table. Placing the pile next to the afformentioned piece of furniture, she motioned herself towards a red chair bed, similar to the one Freud uses. "Having boss troubles again, Ms. Crooney?"

"Yes." She said. Without the paperowrk, her features became more apparent. Aside from her bluish hair, she wore a lab coat that was open in the middle, revealing an ocher shirt and green pants. "So, what did he do now?" Eldritch asked. "Well, 2 days ago he made me do THE most humiliating thing in my life!!" Eldritch seemed eager to know what happened. Call it morbid, but he went into psychiatry solely to see people break down infront of him. "Care to share it with us? Don't worry, there's no one here but you and me." That, of course, was a lie. Above Eldritch's chair was an owl figure, which had a hidden camera. Many of his friends had the same inclination as Eldritch. Right now, it was broadcasting a live feed to a rehabilitation center somewhere in the Caribbean, where a certain green-haired woman was watching everything. "Okay, it all started 2 days ago..."

_The military base was abuzz with excitement and tension. The head of a defense company was visiting the base, coming to inspect the latest military developments in the base's research and development division, which worked under the company. "Oh, God, whre is he!!" Cecile Crooney was running around the base, looking for her superiors. She had looked everywhere possible, from the lab to the cafeteria. "Suzaku!" She bumped into a young man dressed in military fatigues. "Have you seen Lloyd?" She gripped him hard on the shoulders, as if trying to squeeze the information out of him. "I last saw him at the radar station. I think he might still be there." After a quick thank you, Cecile hurried to a tall grey tower in the far left corner of the base. Unfortunately for her, it was on the other side of the base. Cecile arrived to the tower, gasping for air. She was never an athletic woman. Going inside the tower, she rushed up the building,up its winding stairs, praying that her boss was still there. Reaching a grey door, she pauses, but only for a moment, to think of what she was going to do to him now. "Lloyd!" She went inside the room, finding a young man with large glasses, toying with the machines inside the tower. "What are you doing! Schneizel's coming for an inspection, and we don't know which one of your devices should we show him! Lloyd? Lloyd?" THe head scientist was unresponsive. He was too busy tinkering with the base's radar system. "There, done." After attaching several tubes into the radar system, a satisfied Lloyd turned to Cecile. "I'm sorry, were you talking?" _

_It didn't take a genius to know that Cecile was furious. Angrily, she grabbed Lloyd by the neck, trying to squeeze the life out of him. "You know i can't help you with whatever you want if i'm dead, right?" Lloyd said coyly. Knowing that he was right, she quickly let go of him and repeated her words. "Schneizel's here to inspect our new inventions! Which one should we show him?" Lloyd quietly thought of which machination to show their boss. Meanwhile, Cecile was nervously thinking of the consequences if Lloyd's machine fails. "I got it." Lloyd walked to a glass panel and pressed a few buttons. After that, an elevator opened up. "Come on, hurry up Cecile." Lloyd entered the elevator and motioned his assistant to go inside. The urge to choke Lloyd once again resurfaced when she realized there was an elevator. Upon leaving the tower, Suzaku came along riding a hum-vee. "Get in! He's here!" On the entrance to the base, a limo entered the military base. Its driver quickly exited the vehicle and opened its door. A tall, blond man wearing a silver business suit went out of the car, his clothes glistening under the sun. "Look out!" Suzaku's hum-vee skid dramatically on the path, turning the vehicle sideways. "Hit the brakes!" Suzaku yelled. Luckily for them, the brakes worked. They had stopped the hum-vee before anyone was hurt. Unluckily, it also covered Schneizel Brittannia with dust. _

_"Um... Maybe I should drive next time, Ms. Cecile..." Suzaku lamented as he exited the vehicle. "Don't worry Suzaku, at least we got here in..." Cecile's words were stopped upon seeing Schneizel covered in dirt. "Ooooh, somebody's in trouble!" Lloyd yelled inconsiderately. Cecile responded by closing the car door on his face. After a quick apology involving the words "it was all Lloyd's fault." , Schneizel, Cecile, Lloyd and Suzaku began to show him the latest advancements in military technology. They first went to a gangling tower in the middle of the base. "Interesting... And what would this be?" The business executive asked Lloyd. "That would be my Tesla spire." Everyone, including Cecile looked at Lloyd. "It's similar in design to a Tesla Coil, but on a scale unimaginable in comparison with what we have today. The main function of the device is to attract charged particles of energy around it, then use that charged energy as a way of powering a base. Sort of like using a lightning rod, but it won't burn your house down if you use its stored power. Currently it can hold up to 12 megawatts, and is able to power the entire base for a week, without recharging." Schneizel was impressed with Lloyd's machine. "Does it have any offensive capabilities?" he asked the scientist. "Why of course. Observe as the Tesla spire destroys that car over there 80 yards away. " Lloyd pointed to an old, rusting car many yards away. Lloyd took out a remote control from his pocket. He then pressed a large red button on the device. Nothing happened. Lloyd tried pressing it again. Still nothing. "Cecile, could you go inside the Spire? I need you to check if there's any problems within it." Naturally, Cecile did not want to go inside a giant lightning rod. However, her fear of losing her job overcame her desire to live. _

_Cecile went inside the spire. There was actually very little room inside the it, with all sorts of machinery inside. "What happened here..." Cecile examined the circuit board. Outside, Lloyd and the others waited eagerly for Cecile to fix the spire. Then, Lloyd noticed something in the remote. "Oh, I forgot to turn it on." Lloyd pressed a button on the remote that said ON. Instantly a magnificent cascade of lightning flew from the spire's top. The bolts of lightning hit the beforementioned truck with awesome fury. The old derelict was left in smoldering pieces. Schneizel was impressed. So was everyone else. Unfortunately, everyone forgot about a certain blue-haired woman still inside the spire. Cecile Crooney went out of the spire, her clothes singed, and her hair raised like it was dipped in hair gel. "Wow, Cecile, you've really let yourself go." Lloyd commented. _

"Well, that was an unecessarily long flashback..." Eldritch thought. "Have you thought of quiting, Ms. Crooney? if you hate your boss so much, why don't you just quit?" Eldritch asked. Cecile felt uneasy with answering his query. "Can't we just go to the part were you give me a Lloyd Asplund voodoo doll? I even hired an actual witch doctor, and he's paid by the hour." The disgruntled employee and her psychiatrist went to the edge of the window. Cecile pointed to an old man wearing nothing but leaves, a diaper and a row of baboon skulls. "...You hired a guy in diapers to torture your boss?" Cecile nodded. "Okay, you just blurred the line between angry and disturbing." Eldritch opened a cabinet door and took out a metal stick. "Ms. Crooney, we are about to enter the deep recesses of your mind. I feel it is the only way we will cure your anger issues, which when unleashed, will cause horror and suffering unparalleled in history since the Nazis established a dance troupe during the invasion of the Soviet Union." Hearing that her rage may be worse than anti-semites in spandex, Cecile quickly thought of all the times Lloyd has inflicted suffering on her, from the time he made her look like a lesbian infront of Schneizel, to the unfortunate chemical incident that gave her an unsightly growth on her left cheek, both front AND back. Remembering he hasn'tbought insurance yet, Eldritch began the mind entering process. By hitting her with a metal stick. Instantly she fell on the floor, knocked out.

"Where am I?" When Cecile came to, she was surrounded by darkness. "Hello, us somebody here?" A loud booming voice enveloped Cecile. "Relax, Ms. Crooney, we are in the deep recesses of your mind. Here, let me show you." A bright light replaced Eldritch's voice, and Cecile was brought into a familiar playground. "Where are we?" Eldritch materialized himself infront of Cecile, to answer her questions. He took the form of a medium sized old man in a thick overcoat and equally thick mustache. "Before you say anything, yes, I'm Josef Stalin. Right now, we're watching one of your childhood memories."

A little girl was playing in the sandbox, making "sand angels". However, whenever the wind blew, her sand angels dissipated. "Maybe I can help?" A little boy wearing huge glasses and a remote control walked towards young Cecile. "Okay!" She said. "Moving the joystick on his remote, a large, toy crane drove towards them. Unfortunately, Lloyd lost control and caused it to crash on the sandbox. The resulting collision covered young Cecile in sand. Current Cecile looked with both disdain and nostalgia. Young Cecile merely laughed. "Hahaha! That was fun! Do you have any other cool toys?" A brief flush of red graced young Lloyd's face before he led the still sand-covered girl to his home nearby, where his toys await them. Current Cecile looked on as the two friends walked towards Lloyd's home. "Awwwwwwwwwwwww." Eldritch, in a Josef Stalin visage, watched the adorable moment while stroking his mustache. Darkness consumed her once again, and when her eyes met light once more, she was back in Eldritch's clinic.

"Okay. You want 1 voodoo doll, or the entire set?" Eldritch picked up a rosewood box filled with voodoo dolls. "No, no thank you." Cecile refused. Eldritch was confused.

"Had a change of heart?"

"What I saw just now... made me remember. Well, thank you. I think I'll go now." Cecile picked up her papers and left. Eldritch quickly realized why she decided not to torture Lloyd. "Awww, that's cute." He placed his right hand under his nose, but was then consumed with sadness. "I wish I had Stalin's mustache... I could probably get a fake one, but I barely make money..." Eldritch's prayers were answered by a poor, injured man with Mr. Puddingtops biting on his hand. "I need vengeance!!" He yelled.

It was 10:00 in the evening.Lloyd Asplund was reviewing the specs of his latest invention. He was counting on Cecile finishing her paperwork so he can get the parts he needed, but he thought that with recent events, she might not do them at all. He could have Suzaku do them, but he was more useful testing unstable equipment. "Lloyd." Cecile Crooney went inside Lloyd's lab, carrying a pile of paper. "Oh, you finished." Lloyd said, astonished.

"Lloyd, do you still have that old toy crane?"

"Actually, I made a larger version. Why?"

Cecile took Lloyd by the hand, and led him out of the dimly-lit lab.

"Um, Cecile?"

"What, Lloyd?"

"I can't feel my hand." Cecile promptly squeezed the scientist's hand tighter that she already did. "Don't ruin the moment!" She whispered. After that the two were off, Lloyd unsure of what had transpired, and Cecile thinking of the old days when Lloyd's experiment's made her happy, and didn't cause hornets to attack her randomly.

In a cramped apartment, Tamaki was holding a box of voodoo dolls, readying them for the ritual that would cause horrible pain towards his friends. "This'll teach you all!" He began to dance histerically, Mr. Puddingtops still on his hand.b Instead of causing horrible pain, swarms of centipedes enveloped his abode, gnawing and biting at everything. Everything except Mr. Puddingtops, who transformed into a giant crocodile-giraffe-dog creature. "That's what you get for practicing voodoo without a license!!" The voodoo priest from before roared outside Tamaki's apartment, whose screams could be heard throughout the entire block. Eldritch walked by the apartment complex, blissfully unaware of Tamaki's torment, despite the screaming. He was too busy admiring his Stalin-stache.

--

Author's notes

-Chapter 2 done. I'll probably do one concerning Rolo's brother thing, followed by a check-up with what's happening with C.C. in rehab. Be prepared for a yugioh duel!!

-I like Stalin's mustache :)

- If you wish to see more Tamaki torment, i'll be happy to oblige.


	3. The birds and the bees

Disclaimer: I don't own Code Geass

_Authors notes: Beware of serious emotional scarring..._

_--_

**The Birds And The Bees**

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, children were playing happily without fear of pedophiles, and old people dare not take their tops off. Just the kind of day Eldritch Samuels hates. As he lies on the floor, staring at the ceiling out of boredom, Eldritch couldn't help but wonder if he'll ever get work today. Desperate, he closed his eyes and prays silently. "Please... If you'd just give me one person who was abused by his parents, I'll never blackmail my patients again..." As if an angel from the heavens heard his less-than solemn prayer, someone was knocking on his door. Ecstatic, Eldritch screamed. "Yes! Yes! Thank you!!" He gleefuly got up the floor and ran to his door. As if ripping the thing off, Eldritch yanked the door open to find... A tall young man accompanied by a shorter, young man with a baloon tied to his hand. "Brother, this isn't the photo booth!" The smaller one whined. No one cared, though. Ignoring the smaller man, Eldritch decided to converse with the taller man. "Not exactly the abused child I expected, but okay." He murmured to himself.

"Mr. Lelouch, We've been through this. If you stop making fun of your half-brother Clovis for running a hair salon and constantly implying that your half-sister Cornelia is a lesbian, then they'll stop going to your house late at night and start beating you with a stick and..." Before he could finish, Lelouch shut Eldritch up with a punch to the face. Eldritch did not even flinch, given the great weakness of the blow. "That didn't hurt, Mr. Lamperouge, I suggest you stick to your convoluted plans..." Fearing he might take his current trauma elsewhere, Eldritch urged the two to enter his modest psychiatric clinic. "Have a seat, Mr. Lamperouge and small person who I don't know..."

After sitting down a pair of victorian-era chairs, Eldritch passed a pot to the two. Looking closely in the pot, the younger man noticed several freshly-baked cookies. "Brother, can I have one?" Lelouch's facial expression was apatethic, until he remembered his last encounter with Eldritch Samuels. "You placed poison in it, right?" He whispered. Eldritch merely sneered, an expression that also brought a smirk to Lelouch. "Okay Brother, I'm getting one." As Eldritch watched Lelouch's companion take a bite off the cookkie, Lelouch hoped whatever the psychiatrist put in it will kill his unwary companion. "That was good! Can I have some more?" he pleaded like a toddler in diapers. Lelouch was furious. "That was supposed to kill you, Rolo!! Are you immune to poison as well as my insults!?" Eldritch took one of the cookies and bit it. "I see. Mr. Lamperouge, do you hate your brother?" He asked Lelouch.

The question did not hit Lelouch as hard as his brother. Infuriated by the mere implication that Lelouch hates him, Rolo threw the jar on the ground, breaking it. "Judging from your apparent apathy, I believe that to be affirmative." This only served to infuriate Rolo further. "Brother! Make him stop!"Lelouch couldn't care less. His apathy towards the matter, though, only served to increase Rolo's ire. "You don't hate me, right, brother? brother?" Rolo only recieved the cold shoulder from Lelouch. "Kid, Your brother hates you. Live with it." For a moment, Eldritch thought he was going to die. So did Lelouch. Instead, Rolo began to shiver, as if he was locked in a freezer, then he fell on his knees, and did what any kid would do when faced with such a situation: cry. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"

"May I shut him up?" Eldritch revealed a 2-barrel shotgun.

"Can I do it?" Lelouch grinned evily. Seeing no harm, Eldritch threw the gun at him. "I'm going to like this." Aiming at the fetal-positioned Rolo, Lelouch fired rapidly, like a maniac. To his dismay, they did not fire bullets, but sleeping darts. "Now that we've calmed him down, how about we talk about how you acquired your hatred for Rolo."

"Fine. Actually, Rolo isn't my brother."

"Really?" Eldritch said in surprise. "Well, he does lack a harem..." Outside the office, several women wearing "Lelouch fanclub" t-shirts were patrolling the vicinity

"Anyway." Lelouch continued. "You know those government "big brother" programs?"

"The one that makes you spend time with annoying children, or the one that places tracking devices on your molars?"

"The first one. Anyway, SOMEONE apparently put me in the program..."

2500 miles away on a tropical island, C.C. couldn't help but laugh before sipping her red wine.

"...anyway, I spend 1 day with him, and he's been stuck on me ever since."

"Has he been an nuisance to you, in any way?"

"Where do I begin..." For a few minutes, Lelouch was silent, deliberating which of the many ways Rolo has made his life a living hell simply by existing.

"Alright, lets start with last week, after C.C. blew up her own house..."

_A violent blast shock the neighborhood.The source of the explosion came from the old house a block away were several people covered in green paint struggled to get out, their bodies battered by the debris. "Suzaku..." A woman whose face, limbs, and most of her clothing were covered in paint called out to her badly bruised companion. "Are you all right?" She asked. "Well, most of my body is covered in paint, I have several lacerations near my ribs caused by shrapnel, I've lost most feeling in my nether regions... but other than that, I'm fine."Kallen let out a sigh of relief. "That's good. Luckily for me, I managed to hide behind the grandfather clock. How about you Lelouch?" Kallen's question was answered only by a weak groan. "Lelouch?" A figure slowly trudged out of the wrecked home, each step followed a gasp of pain. As he got out, his features became more clear. Bits of raven colored hair stood in stark contrast to the green that covered the rest of his head. His clothes had large rips, and faint trail of blood followed him. "Where. the hell. were you guys?" Perhaps it was the pain of being cut by flying shards of furniture, or shellshock from the explosion, but whatever the reason, Lelouch Lamperouge was losing consciousness. Losing balance as a result of not being awake, Lelouch began to tumble down to the ground, but lucky for him Kallen and Suzaku managed to catch him midway._

_Lelouch woke up, lying down in a bed. His shirt was gone, replaced instead by bandages covering most of his upper body. The room he was in was covered in red wallpaper. The bed he was in was flanked by two small maplewood cabinets, and a few feet away from him was a pink vanity, with a row pictures of Lelouch taped at its top. Shifting his head to his right, he saw a zero doll lying on the floor. "Where am I?" He wondered. _

_Lelouch noticed the doorknob on the equally red door twist, signaling the entry of someone into the room. Lelouch, still too tired to get up, decided to stay in bed. The door let out a screech as it opened. "Suzaku?"_

_Behind the door was a brown haired man with bandages about the same place as Lelouch's except he was holding on crutches. "Feeling better, Lelouch?" He asked._

_Physically, Lelouch felt alright. "Ermmm... Suzaku, is this your room?" Suzaku felt shocked._

_"Of course not!" He hastily defended. Inside, though, He wished it was. "I wished I had those drapes..." He thought to himself._

_"Suzaku? Is he awake?" Yelled the owner of the rather bright-colored room. A red-haired woman wearing a pink bathrobe entered the room, carrying a tray of cocoa. "Suzaku, can I talk to Lelouch alone for a moment?" At first Suzaku was hesitant to leave his best friend, but a cup of boiling cocoa to the face does wonders. "Can I at least have your drapes? For Euphie!" Were Suzaku's last words before the door was shut in his face. _

_After locking the door, Kallen slowly walked towards Lelouch. "I am going to KILL C.C..." She yelled, throwing the tray of cocoa on the red carpeting. "I tried that already. It's impossible." Kallen sat on the bed, bringing her closer towards him. "So..." She said, a hint of red flushing on her cheeks. "What do you wanna do now?"_

_"We could...talk?" Lelouch sugggested sheepishly._

_"Okay..." _

_"Why do you have pictures of me on your vanity?" He asked frankly._

_"Well... I... you see.." Kallen couldn't form a sentence. Her mind was still in disarray with his question. "Why didn't I remove those things..." She thought, her embarassment evident by the rapid reddening of her cheeks._

_"You want me, don't you?" He said with a perverse smile on his face._

_"Of course not!" She said defensively.Kallen wanted to slap Lelouch, but in her mind she knew all too well that it was true. _

_"You can't lie to me, Kallen. I see it in your eyes." Lelouch's voice softened, lacking any trace of arrogance. _

_"Now." Lelouch rose from the bed and held Kallen in his arms. __"Can you guess what I want?" _

_"N-No..." She answered. Lelouch smirked. Slowly he motioned his face towards her, so close they were that if one of them would move even an inch, they're lips would meet. "Guess.." He whispered._

_"I don't know..."Kallen said, though it was evident to her what- or who it was. Lelouch let out a low snicker. "Don't pretend. It's right in front of me."_

_"Lelouch..." Kallen was speechless. Her azure eyes were completely transfixed to his, scanning them for any trace of truth. She found nothing but._

_"I've always wanted you, Kallen." Lelouch closed the gap between their lips in agonizingly slow fashion, savoring every second._

_"Brother!!" Seconds before Lelouch and Kallen's lips finally met, A young man burst through the window. _

_"Rolo!" Lelouch yelled._

_"I came as soon as I heard. We're taking you to the hospital!" Rolo ran at them, breaking the two apart._

_"Rolo, you idi..." Lelouch was cut short when Rolo lifted him on his back and jumped out of the window, landing atop a van. "Drive, Sayoko, drive!" _

_Kallen could only watch as the van carrying Lelouch drove off. "So...close..." She wimpered._

"See!!" Lelouch yelled. "He's been nothing but a plague on my back!"

"Wow, that is serious... stopping you just moments from getting laid..." Eldritch commented.

"Honestly, I don't know what to do... I have my hands full with my real sister, Nunally already..."

Eldritch took a a glass jar from under his desk. Inside were several cinnamon sticks, and Eldritch gladly took one out for his consumption. "The way I see it.." Begore finishing, he took a bite out of the cinnamon stick. "You need some way of distracting him."

"Already tried that." Lelouch lamented. "Wether its work, video games or going on a quest for the lost city of El Dorado, nothing works."

"You found the lost city of El Dorado?" Eldritch asked in amazement.

"Rolo blew up the passageway..."

As they were talking, Rolo slowly opened his eyes. "Brother?" He said weakly. Rising up, He looked expectantly at Lelouch. "WHat are we gonna do now, Brother? Burn the place down?"

"Great, He's awake. Well, I guess we'll have to end this now, there's no way I'll ever get him off me..."

"Brother!!" This time, the voice was feminine. A young woman in a wheelchair entered the clinic. She had long, brown hair, and had a pleseant expression on her face.

"Maybe there is a way..." Eldritch smiled evily. Lelouch looked at him nervously, knowing what he was going to suggest.

"Is she your blind, crippled sister?" He asked. "Not anymore, since she got surgery." Lelouch replied tensely. "You wouldn't.."

Eldritch got off his chair and went towards Rolo and Nunally. He grabbed both of their heads and turned it so that they faced each other."Rolo, this is Nunally. Nunally, this is Rolo."

An akward silence fell upon the room. Finally, Rolo broke the silence. "Hi I'm Rolo. Lelouch is my brother."

"I'm Nunally, I'm Lelouch's sister." She said pleasantly.

"No way." Rolo was surprised.

"Want to talk about how awesome my brother is?" She asked.

"Sure! We'll do it over lunch!" Rolo grabbed Nunally's wheelchair handles, and the two sped of to the nearest restaurant.

Eldritch Samuels smiled as he looked at his handiwork. "Ahh, Young love. A Therapist's secret weapon. With any luck, they'll be too busy to ever notice you exist." Lelouch, however, was not as optimistic. "Or they're combined dedication for me will merge, creating an unstoppable force that will never leave me alone..." That possibility escaped Eldritch. "From the looks of things, Mr. Lamperouge, I'd say you have 2 hours before they start focusing on you so..." Eldritch didn't realize that Lelouch was gone. "Hmm. Off to get laid, I suppose.."

A few miles away, Kallen Kozuki quietly stirred her coffee in her bedroom, staring serenly at her many photos of Lelouch. "Lelouch..." Then, she heard someone knocking on the door. Standing up to get the door, Kallen accidently dropped her coffee mug and spilled it all over her pants. She'd been stirring it for hours, so it didn't burn her. Since her pants were ruined, Kallen had to replace them with something else. The only thing close to her was a really short skirt. The skirt barely on, she hurried to answer the incessant knocking of whoever was behind the door."Lelouch, What are you doing here?" She asked him. In responce, Lelouch pushed Kallen into her room, and then locked the door. "Bed. Now." He whispered to her.

Atop a rooftop near Kallen's apartment, Rolo and Nunally were preparing to install add-ons to Nunally's wheelchair. "Are you sure this is safe?" She asked.

"Of course it is." He said reassuringly. Rolo then climbed behind Nunnally's wheelchair. "Are you ready?" With a nervous nod, Nunnally signalled that she was ready. "Okay. Sayoko, begin countdown! 3.2.1..." Sayoko then pressed a button on a remote control Rolo gave her a while ago. Then, the wheelchair's add-ons began to charge, and before they knew it they were in mid-air. "I don't like this..." Nunnally muttered. Of course she wouldn't like their situation, for the rockets were out of fuel "Relax. Sayoko! Engage hover engine." He said thorugh his mobile phone. Sayoko then pressed another button, causing the wheelchair's wheels to fall off, and 2 large rotors to be deployed. "We're flying! We're flying!" The two exclaimed. Not for long, for in their haste to remodel Nunnally's wheelchair they forgot to add a steering mechanism. Before they realized it, they crashed into a window. "Hey... This place is familiar..." Rolo thought as he looked at all the red and pink in the room.. Slowly, the 2 continued to look around nervously on the ground. Articles of clothing were scattered everywhere.

"These are..."

"Brother's clothes..."

It only took a few seconds for the two to notice that there were two more figures in the room, specifically in the bed. "Rolo, is that brother?" Nunally pointed to the bed in the room. "Yes..yes it is..." Realizing the presence of others in the room, the figures in the bed stopped briefly. "Nunnally? Rolo?" Lelouch exclaimed. The two were petrified. "Lelouch, who was that..." Kallen rose from under the sheets, seeing Nunally and Rolo staring at them. "Nunnally, Rolo, It's time me and Kallen taught you about the birds and the bees..." Lelouch said to them.

It was 6:00 in the afternoon. Eldritch Samuels quietly walked towards his car. Today, it seemed that everyone got what they wanted but him. Nunally and Rolo were off Lelouch's back, enjoying themselves, Lelouch and Kallen finally got to spend time together, and Suzaku got his drapes. In Lelouch's haste, he forgot to pay. Before entering his car, he faintly heard the sound of two screaming adolescents. "Something tells me that someone's been scarred for life... I have to get to work early tomorrow!" Eldritch jumped into his car and sped off, blissfully unaware that he had ran down Tamaki.

--

_Author's notes _

_-I told you to beware ;) _

_-Originally I was supposed to write something mush and lovey dovey about Lelouch and Kallen, but then I thought "what if i made this funny..."_

_-I do hope no one was as disturbed as Rolo and Nunnally._

_-Also, please comment. And if anyone is making a CG comedy community, you know were my fanfic is._

_-Planning on making an I need therapy for Death Note, just wanted to know what you folks think._


End file.
